I am feeling increasingly anxiety filled -- which is NOT how I am suppose to feel on summer break

ultimately, I'm thinking, that it all comes down to money. I mean my life feels like a choose your own adventure book that repeatedly ends with an main order of bankruptcy and bitchiness with a side of single parenting and loneliness and an extra dose of disappointment...

...or at least that is how it feels to me tonight.

Today was a long day at work -- I was a sitter for a suicidal alcoholic that mirrored a family member virtually to a tee, however he wasn't nearly as concerned with hygiene and had a knack for vomit. In the midst of his ativan, percocet slumber, I had time to surf the Internet (that wasn't firewalled by Banner Hospitals) and realized that I'm hundreds of dollars in the red. ASS HOLE EX HUSBAND is so late in payments that even *I* (who gives him/them every benefit of the doubt) should stop believing in what he says when he says what he'll do...errr... text messages what he'll do, anyway.

So, I'm home...to a boyfriend so enthralled in his friend that's over, his military pictures and Coors Light, that he can't come in to try and make my day better -- make me feel at home...relax. So after a phone call to my sister, I decide to turn to writing and my tried and true friend, xanax.

And try to think differently of my future...and listen to the song on my napster playlist right now "And so it goes, and so it goes, and your the only one that knows" I love you Billy...(I'll omit the "Joel" part out on purpose.)

And enhale...................and exhale.

Becky -- my beautiful friend - was in town this past weekend...and such a good weekend it was...and left me a new break, A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose by Eckhart Tolle. She swears I will love it -- and by flipping thru her highlighted thumbed thru pages, I am sure that woman knows me well...

Off to face the boys in the backyard...if I hear ONE "cheer up" or anything that resembles "you are in a bad mood" I'm hunkering down with a glass of wine, my new book and my unmade bed.

...with a new outlook that focuses on the ^UPSIDE^ and *SUNSHINE* about the "loneliness" I spoke of earlier.

Perception....it's all about perception.